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Sometimes.

21 May

Sometimes I feel like the sun shines too bright like the forced smiles of kids who are told they are beautiful but look in the mirror and want to die. I sometimes run to the nearest empty room and count to ten to let the beating that flutters in my chest die down to a low roar so I can finally hear the ocean in my chest again. But beware of kids who say they’re fine because who is really fine anymore? These are the kids who laugh too hard at bad jokes and squirm when making direct eye contact. But you don’t need to see deep into these kid’s eyes to notice something is missing. She walks like she’s got concrete on her shoulders and even with her shoulders slumped she carries such a heavy burden. Her hopes are all china dishes stacked too high on shelves that no-one will use but beauty will do that to you. She balances them with everything else in her life. She’s not Atlas don’t expect her to hold the world up when some days she can’t even get out of bed. Stop telling her she’s weak and maybe she’d get stronger. She has wasted so many 11:11 wishes on boys and better days. Because maybe she just wants a boy to smile at her because yes it’s all the small things, even Blink 182 said that and she lives for punk rock. She remembers a sticker on her old walkman that says the sun shines everyday and so should you, it’s cheesy but she likes it. She found hope while some of us lose it. The sun hides behind clouds but sooner or later it has to come back out again. That’s you, you can take a break but surely you can’t give up.

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Feelings.

21 May

  How do I feel? Sometimes I feel like it’s raining every day. I feel like storm clouds chase after me because I’m too afraid to play in the puddles, too afraid to get dirty. Somedays I wonder if they name hurricanes after bad people. People that leave destruction everywhere. Because I feel that is me on days like this. I want to know a lot of things but I am too shy to ask the questions. I get told that I don’t speak loud enough, that my voice is everyone’s whisper. Been told that I speak too fast like I need to get out everything I need to say, before someone loses interest, before someone else walks away. People have been walking away since day one. It is the reason I let everyone walk all over me. I’ve been a carpet, a soft landing, a back up plan for so many of my friends that I sometimes feel like maybe I am nothing. Maybe I should give up. But the world is going to keep on turning if you are there or not, so be there. Be there to enjoy the beauty because when it’s not raining it’s beautiful. And when you aren’t thinking about death you are living. And living isn’t always going to be fucking easy. Why does no-one ever tell you that?

Just letting You Know

21 May

Just letting you know I’ve washed the thought of you down with down with leftover birthday cake vodka while lying on the floor of my room with a blanket full of sorrows. I wasn’t celebrating shit but you know it goes trying to get through life without a crutch. Bad times call for a get together minus the actual party because you’d need friends for that. I wanna know if you still stare at the moon pretending it’s a pearl you want to pluck out of the sky for me because I swear I won’t fall back to earth. I’m slurring my words and crying to myself at 4:00 am about the same boy, the whirlwind that swept me off my feet. I’m sprawled out staring at the ceiling and there’s screaming SIKE WRONG TURN AHEAD. Fuck, I write about boys like I actually get any when literally I’ve been in love as many times as I can count on my hand. Just please don’t hook pinky fingers with mine and promise forever because I believe in stars  falling out of the sky leaving me with a pitch black hole in my chest when you walk away. I believe in roses kissed at by dew at 4:00 am. He’s my tsunami boy creating waves in my heart, the choppy kind like phone calls late at night. We compare lovers to the weather because they are unpredictable. I want to know is he the sun because my head spins circles around this boy. Most of all I want to sleep at night and not hear the rustling of the trees outside my window because they remind me of crumpling paper and me writing a boy I’m trying to forget back into existence.

Defying Love

19 May

I didn’t want to like him. He was just so charming.

 

This might sound like every other love story, and it may be, but it may not. If you don’t read on, you’ll never know.

 

My name is Emily Brown, which I’ve always been quite happy with. I think it makes me sound pleasant but ordinary, and I prefer to blend in. Now, I suppose it’s only polite to tell you a bit about myself before I jump into my story. I am five feet, two inches, have brown hair that comes to my shoulders, and I am not talented in any special way. These are the basic facts of me, and I think these are all I ought to tell you.

 

His name was Andrew Rivers and he was perfectly wonderful in every way. When he first came to my school in twelfth grade, he was a bit eccentric and didn’t fit in right away. He was into music and played the drums and the guitar, although he wasn’t good at either. What he was good at was singing, and when he did, you wanted to cry and laugh and sing along with him all at once.

 

My name is Emily Brown and his was Andrew Rivers and I loved him.

 

About two months into my last year of high school, Andrew asked me out. I was surprised since I had hardly ever talked to him, but I didn’t have a boyfriend, and I didn’t know how to say no.

 

It may help you to know that at my school there were couples that were simply together for the name, and some that were together only to have a date for dances and for kissing and other such things. When Andrew asked me out I had no idea what his intentions were, and I didn’t like having no idea. I’m by no means a confrontational person, but I was starting to feel offended that after I had said that I would date him, he hadn’t said another word to me. So I went up to him and we had a little talk.

 

Me: “Hey, Andrew.”

 

Andrew: “Hey.”

 

Me: “So …”

 

Andrew: (annoyingly, nothing)

 

Me: “You asked me out.”

 

Andrew: (nothing again)

 

Me: “Why?”

 

Andrew: “Why’d I ask you out?”

 

Me: “Right.”

 

Andrew: “I felt like it.”

 

Me: (irritated) “You felt like it?”

 

Andrew: “That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

 

Me: (infuriated) “I’m sorry. Actually I’m not. I didn’t realize you were such a jerk, and I don’t want to go out with you anymore.” (I’d never dumped someone before, okay?)

 

Andrew: “Are you dumping me?”

 

Me: “What do you think?”

 

Andrew: “Why?”

 

Me: “I feel like it.”

 

Andrew: (smiling) “Do you like Chinese food?”

 

Me: “I hate it.”

 

Andrew: “You’ve never had it.”

 

Me: “How do you know?”

 

Andrew: (laughing) “I’m good at reading people.”

 

Me: “Well, obviously you suck, because I’ve had Chinese food a million times and I hated it every time.”

 

Andrew: “Would you like to go out with me tonight?”

 

Me: “You’re asking me on a date?”

 

Andrew: “Yes.”

 

Me: “Read my answer.”

 

Andrew: “Wonderful! I’ll see you tonight. Be ready by six. Ish. Sixish.”

 

I hated this strange boy who I’d only really talked to twice. He made me infuriated. The only problem was, I couldn’t figure out if I liked that or not.

 

That night at sixish sharp, Andrew showed up at my doorstep. My parents have never been into meeting my boyfriends, but as I was stepping out, he stepped in. He walked right into the living room where my parents sat watching the baseball game.

 

When he came back out I asked, “What’d you say?”

 

“I told them I’d have you back by eight.”

 

“Ish?”

 

He laughed. “Nope. Just eight.”

 

We didn’t talk much on the car ride. He had a CD playing that sounded kind of like Bob Marley, but I’d never heard the song before. It wasn’t until we got there that I realized I didn’t know where we were going. A small sign stood in front of the building but the name was too peeled away for me to be able to read it. What I could read was the sign beneath where the name should be, and it said, “The best Chinese cuisine for miles.”

 

“Chinese, huh?”

 

He smirked.

 

We walked inside and it was only then that I realized exactly how small the building was. There were little tables in the center of the room, about five of them, and a couch against one wall for sitting while you waited. As if. There was no waiting; we were the only customers. A sign read “PLEASE SEAT YOURSELF,” but I guess because of the lack of business, a waiter came over to seat us. He tried to show us to a table, but Andrew said, “Oh, no, thank you. We’ll be sitting down here.”

 

He strolled over to the couch and at first I thought he wanted us to sit there, but then he grabbed two pillows and placed them on the ground a little way away from the tables.

 

I looked at him, baffled.

 

“Authenticity,” he said, smiling. He was always smiling.

 

I, personally, couldn’t see how sitting on the floor was authentic.

 

***

 

There were many other dates, all very unusual. I was used to dances and movies, but with Andrew I got sunsets and local concerts. Once he took me to a bingo night that his aunt was hosting. Oddly enough, that was the night we first kissed.

 

I remember so clearly the day of graduation, the day I realized that Andrew and I wouldn’t always be together. After we threw our hats and got our diplomas, he found me.

 

“End of high school, huh?” he said.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What do you want to do, Emily?”

 

“With my life?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Be with you.”

 

He didn’t smile like I wanted him to.

 

“Don’t you want to go to college?”

 

I sighed. “Want to, or have to?”

 

Now he smiled. “You choose.”

 

“I should. Go to college, I mean. I found one that’ll accept me.”

 

There was a long pause before I said, “Andrew, what about you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“What are you gonna do?”

 

“I dunno. Do what I do best, I guess. Play my music.”

 

“Oh. Yeah. That’s cool. See you later?”

 

“When would I see you?”

 

“I see what you mean.”

 

“Bye, Emily.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Thinking back, I wish I had said something better than bye. I wish I had told him that I loved him more than words could describe and that when he sang to me I felt like I was all that mattered in the world. I wanted to tell him that if he had just asked, I wouldn’t have gone to college. I would have played his music with him.

 

I’m sitting at my computer right now, looking at a name on the screen on a website called “peoplefinder.” I want to call him and hear his voice, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that he won’t be my same Andrew.

 

I get a glass of cold water and sit on my couch. I picture myself having one last conversation with him.

 

Me: “Hey, Andrew.” (I say it so casually, just like old times.)

 

Andrew: “Hey, Emily.”

 

Me: “Why are you wearing a tie?”

 

Andrew: “Why shouldn’t I be?”

 

Me: “I don’t know.”

 

Andrew: “I have a job.”

 

Me: “Good.”

 

Andrew: “I’m a lawyer, Emily.”

 

Me: “That’s great.”

 

Andrew: “You don’t sound like that’s great.”

 

Me: “Don’t I?”

 

Andrew: “I live in an apartment in the city. I talk on the phone with other businesspeople.”

 

Me: “I’m proud of you.”

 

Andrew: “I have a diploma hanging up on the wall of my office. My office.”

 

Me: “Do you play music anymore, Andrew?”

 

Andrew: “Music.”

 

He looks at me as if he doesn’t remember the word.

 

Andrew: “No, I don’t play my music anymore.”

 

Me: “Oh.”

 

Me: “I loved you, Andrew.”

 

Andrew: “Loved? Past tense?”

 

Me: “I think so.”

 

Andrew: “I love you.”

 

Me: “Why’d you ask me out?”

 

Andrew: “I thought you were beautiful and smart, and I loved how shiny your dark brown hair was. I liked how you weren’t too loud, and you didn’t wear low-cut shirts like most other girls.”

 

Me: “I wish you’d said, ‘Because I felt like it.’”

 

Andrew: “Sorry.”

 

Me: “Me too.”

 

Andrew: “I have to be going.”

 

Me: “Yeah.”

 

Me: “Wait!”

 

Andrew: “Yes?”


Me: “I’d never had Chinese food before.”

Organic

16 Jan

Eyes closed

W

  asting away

into the Darkness

i feel your Touch, closing IN

Sometimes it Feels

like maybe,

possibly,

you Only cared for her

 

Image

Don’t let them.

11 Jan

I Want The One I Can’t Have – The Smiths

2 Jan

On the day that your mentality 
Decides to try to catch up with your biology 

Come round …
‘Cause I want the one I can’t have 
And it’s driving me mad 
It’s all over, all over, all over my face 

On the day that your mentality 
Catches up with your biology 

I want the one I can’t have 
And it’s driving me mad 
It’s all over, all over, all over my face 

A double bed 
And a stalwart lover for sure 
These are the riches of the poor 

A double bed 
And a stalwart lover for sure 
These are the riches of the poor 

And I want the one I can’t have 
And it’s driving me mad 
It’s all over, all over my face 

A tough kid who sometimes swallows nails 
Raised on Prisoner’s Aid 
He killed a policeman when he was 
Thirteen 
And somehow that really impressed 
Me 
And it’s written all over my face 

Oh, these are the riches of the poor 
These are the riches of the poor 

I want the one I can’t have 
And it’s driving me mad 
It’s written all over my face 

On the day that your mentality 
Catches up with your biology 

And if you ever need self-validation 
Just meet me in the alley by the 
Railway station 
It’s all over my face 
Oh …

100 Question Meme: Filled By Me.

30 Nov

100 questions to ask people

How are you, really?

I’m eh.. just confused with my life but not sure what to do about it, you know?

How do you feel right now? What are you thinking about?

I feel happy, kind of annoyed at this butter taste in my mouth.

What’s your favorite color?

On most days it’s black. Today it’s purple.

What’s your favorite food?

Anything Mexican or Chinese.

What’s your favorite dessert?

WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE!? Ah.. it would have to be wedding cake. Like bad-ass wedding cake. Cakegasm..

How old are you?

I look five but I promise I’m not.

What have you learned today?

Don’t smoke your vegetables, stay in drugs, and eat your school.

What was your favorite subject in school?

English/Creative Writing. I’m kind of good at writing.

What do you do?

Nothing atm.

What are some of your favorite books?

The Percy Jackson series, the Divergent series, the Hunger Games, the Night World series, etc.

What are some of your favorite movies?

Oh god. The Harry Potter movies of course, and Stepbrothers.

What kind of music are you into?

All. But rn it’s alot of band music and alternative, punk, shit like that.

If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?

No idea and probably some love story.

What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?

Ziplining and breaking someone’s heart. Those two go hand in hand.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Not really sure yet, I’ll get back to you on that.

Are you married?

Not technically. (;

How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?

That’s top secret.

Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?

Maybe to wait awhile and enjoy the young years, but you never know. Varies on the person.

Do you have any kids?

Uhm no. Not that I am aware of.

Have you ever thought of adopting?

‘course. Why not.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A singer. I’m not bad or great, but not a music star. Reality hits.

How did you get into [INSERT THEIR CAREER FIELD]?

Uhm.. no job yet.

Would you recommend [INSERT THEIR CAREER] for other people? Why / Why not?

Because being unemployed is amazing as a teenager.

What do you do for fun?

Go to concerts, read, write, hang out with friends, listen to music.

Do you like traveling?

Of course. I hope to travel to Ireland some day. It’s absolutely beautiful over there.

If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?

^

Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?

Too long of a list, alot of bands.

If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

Actions speak louder than words.

What’s one of your favorite habits you have?

HAH. All of my habits are annoying.

What are some things that make you really happy?

Friendships, my relationship, food, and music.

What are some things that make you really sad?

Crybaby movies, friendships, death,

What are some things that scare you?

Being naked physically and emotionally with someone.

Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?

It differs.

Are you a religious person?

Not at all. I go on  good morals.

If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?

JFK & The Beatles.

Would you rather live in the country or in the city?

City is where it’s at.

What was your life like growing up?

It was poor, but my family gave me enough to make me the person I am today.

What were you like in high school?

Well.

Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?

None.

What’s your favorite part about today so far?

This part.

Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?

My mom, and because. She’s there all the time, how could she not?

What’s your favorite joke?

Your face.

Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)

Nope.

Do you like spicy food?

Hecks yeah.

How do you like your steak cooked?

Medium rare.

Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?

Eleven. Because my birthday is 11-11.

If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?

A sloth. Because you know.

What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?

Eat paper?

What kind of vacations do you like?

The one’s that do not involve excessive walking.

What are some of your major goals in life?

Go to college, be happy, be financially secure.

What are some of your smaller goals in life?

Try not to gain three million pounds in the next week.

What do you like least about yourself?

My dysfunctional personality.

What embarrasses you?

Oh god, everything!

If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?

Being a stripper. Why not.

What’s your earliest memory?

Seeing my Crib.

What’s the best decision you ever made?

To remove a certain someone out of my life.

Who’s your best / closest friend?

Lol.

What do you think people think of you?

Lol. Honestly I don’t want to know.

What were your grades like in school?

Ah. Next question.

If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

How to play the guitar.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert. Sometimes a little bit of both.

Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

No comment.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their voice and height.

Do you think people can control their own destiny?

Of course.

Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

Both. Everyone is different.

Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

Universal.

Do you think God exists?

No.

Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?

No.

Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

Can’t, I’m not eighteen.

Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

I think it’s something that someone is just born with to be honest. You can’t change it.

Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?

Yes..?

Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

Possibly. Are they an asshole? Possibly that Zimmerman dude? Because I would definitely shoot him.

What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?

Uhm.. like a dollar.

What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?

My emo days.

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Had sex with this guy.

What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

All of us giving out to our communities.

What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?

Maybe putting less funds into changing our food programs and focusing on the teaching staff? I don’t know, just a thought. Maybe that’s just my education, who knows.

In general, what do you think about art?

Art can be determined in many different ways, and I think it’s beautiful.

What are some of your favorite websites?

Too many.

What’s the biggest turnoff in a man/woman?

For me, I honestly don’t really have a type. Sometimes a guy just DOES something and I’m completely turned off, it happens all the time for me.

What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

Told my mom I was going to the mall with friends when I was going to do the dirty with this dumb guy.

What’s something most people don’t know about you?

I have back dimples.

What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

I am a smart and genuinely nice person.

What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Snooze my alarm and curse society for making school be so goddamn early in the morning.

What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

Being cheated on.

Do you cry easily?

Depends.

How do you feel about public speaking?

Oh god no.

Do you like to talk on the phone?

Not really.

How many emails do you get each week, roughly?

100?

If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

I have nobody in mind to be honest.

What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

“What kinds of music are you interested in?”

Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?

NOPE.

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

LOL NO.

What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?

I’ve never even pulled a prank actually.

What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?

Teaching and Nursing positions.

How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

There’s too many type of philosophy. Let’s call it… Arianism.

Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

Forgotten.

If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

Just a little, I feel like I’m too young. I haven’t even been to more than two states in my life, I mean, come on.

I Deem It Fate.

21 Nov

I cared for you oh so dearly.
You didn’t feel the same way. Clearly.
The pain of heartbreak was absolutely tortuous.
It felt like a curse had been set by an evil sorceress.

You bolted backwards without a blink,

But now you sob and now you think
That I would accept your urbane “I’m sorry”,
Midnight black, and never starry.

Destiny would have it, after years had flown,
And many others were claimed my own,
I know I saw through your veneer,
When I witnessed that silvery tear.

That night was full of love so lost,
But we had to crave it at any cost.
We stuck right with it at any rate.
You deem it love, I deem it fate.

Dreams.

13 Nov

I feel his hand on my shoulder. It is cold, bony, and scrapes against my skin. It doesn’t sting too badly. Pain doesn’t cause discomfort for me – it’s like a Popsicle – strong at first, but after awhile, it melts away. He tells me something, the man behind me. I don’t hear him at first, and that makes him angry. He grips my shoulder tighter.

Now there is pain, pain like grabbing a wire hanger that is left beside a fire, yet I ignore it. He knows I am here, I know I am here, but for some reason, I feel if I don’t acknowledge it. If I ignore what is happening, we will both remain suspended. The two of us will stay lost in this never-ending scene, and I will never die.

The knife enters me anyway.

I feel it; I’m not quite numb yet. I can feel it twist inside me, switching my lung with my heart. Then the world goes black.

I die every time.

I shut my eyes. It doesn’t matter if I sleep for five minutes or 10 hours.

“It’s like sucking your thumb; you’ll grow out of it,” my mother tells me over the phone the next day.

She’s told me that for 18 years. Now I’m ten days away from turning 20 and she still says the same thing. But nightmares are nothing like sucking your thumb. I don’t suck my thumb anymore.

***

It’s 2 a.m. My mouth is dry, and I cannot see because of the tears that blur my eyes. But that doesn’t bother me. Four days is not long to go without sleep. I’ve gone longer. People don’t understand, because they don’t feel their dreams. In mine, I am conscious of everything.

A man is standing in front of me, a doctor. He was called when I stopped responding to the pleas of my pencil-neck roommate. Apparently, he is discomforted by my 96-hour days.

“Having trouble falling asleep, Wesley?” the doctor asks.

“No,” I say.

Falling asleep is easy; too easy. Giving in is something that tempts me every minute. But I can’t do that, because I know that one day, I’m not going to be able to wake up.

He hands me a pill anyway, and tells me to take it. I know this doctor. His name is Ben or Bill or something. He’s come for years. I argue at first, but I know that I don’t have a choice. I swallow the pill dry. Before I know it, I’m back in again.

***

This time I’m underwater. I’m going to drown, I think. The thought relaxes me. The dreams where I drown aren’t all that bad, considering what experiences I could compare them with. But then the dream changes. I am still in water, but it tastes like soup. I look up to see a giant sitting above me.

It’s then I realize that I am going to be eaten alive.

I used to look away when I was about to die. I used to run, beg. Now I lie limply and watch. The giant lifts me up with his fork and bites down, taking off my right leg.

I don’t look away … I’m past that. But I still scream.

***

I am in the car with my roommate now. We’re getting groceries, and since we’re in my car, I’m driving. I can tell he’s nervous, so I try to calm him.

“Darren …,” I say.

“Dylan,” he corrects quickly.

I could have sworn his name was Darren. Part of me thinks he’s changed it just to f*** with me. I continue talking anyway.

“I’m not tired …”

Darren, or Dylan, or whoever he is makes a sound.

“… and I know how to drive.”

Just then, a car honks at me loudly, as if he too wants to prove me incompetent. Apparently, this is too much for my night-light roommate.

“Pull over. Now,” he says.

“Fine,” I say roughly, and pull over. Right into the face of an oncoming truck.

***

Please, someone wake me up. Please. Please. Anyone, please.

I am balancing on the top of a pillar that is just large enough for one foot. Below me, there are hundreds of creatures with whips, chains, and spikes – they’re ready for me to fall. This death will be worth remembering.

Usually I don’t, but I can’t help but start crying this time. This dream has gone on too long. I’ve died five times. Usually, it only happens once or twice. For a moment, I wonder if I have died … for real … in the real world. The thought scares me. I always thought it would end at death. Then, around me, I hear familiar voices. They belong to my mother and the doctor.

“Would you like me to let him go?” The doctor asks sympathetically. “There is very little hope that he will come out of it.”

There is a pause and I hear my mom crying, and I allow myself to hope. I am in a coma … I know it … it must have happened because of the crash … and if she chooses to pull the plug on me, I can escape this time. I’ve never been able to escape before.

Against my first instincts, I find myself wanting to die more than anything. If it happens now, in this way, I will never have to die again.

Please, I beg, and then I silence my thoughts so I can better hear her speak.

“No,” she says finally, “not just yet.” I hear the shuffling of tissue. “I want him to rest … he could use it.” Then, her voice is gone, and all I can hear is the sound of the mob below me.

I lose my balance and fall.